Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Dear God, I'm Mad At You

Have you ever been mad at God? I have, but truthfully didn't want to admit it.  I’m thinking to myself, this the God who loves me, who saved me, who delivered me, who healed me - - I could never be mad at HIM, right? So for a while, I just masked it; fought through it, never quite being real enough to really ever get through it.  And then I heard a Word that would change my life forever.

Have you ever had a breaking point? It’s like a series of events that culminates in an explosion of emotions that make you wonder and think to yourself, “How did I even get here?”  Well, that’s what started it for me and my husband.  Last Saturday, my husband and I had the argument of all arguments, and it was over something stupid.  It escalated and escalated, and the next thing I knew, I had jumped out of the car, and was walking down Market Street, not really sure where I was going or what I was doing, but I just knew that the pressure of life right now was too much.  And I knew that we didn't argue like this.  And I was mad at God about it.  Yes, God. 

As I’m walking, I’m crying out to Him - - why, why, why! Please help me understand!  My husband graciously circled the car, picked me up, tears streaming down my face, and there was silence until we got to the house.  As we pulled up, I apologized to him, saying I just don’t know why I feel this way, or why the pressure of life has me this way, or why we’re here, and I just know what God said – but that’s all I have is a Word.  I don’t have anything else right now, and my faith, my hope, my love, my peace, it’s all dwindling. 

My husband, Sam understood.  Truthfully he felt the same way. We prayed, embraced, still unsure of what’s to lie ahead, but had a calm assurance that this was a turning point.  And for those of you reading, don’t forsake your breaking point.  It has to happen for you to see your situation clearly.  It happens so you can truly rely on God.  Faith makes no sense.  It’s your breaking point that frees you of the misconception that you should “feel” a certain kind of way even when you don’t feel that way.  It’s your breaking point that causes you to see God clearly because you've finally decided to be honest about how you’re feeling. It’s your breaking point that can cause a turn in your life; causing you to really walk into your destiny. 

I woke up the next morning and I told Sam that God was doing something great.  And that in seven days, we would see a turn.  And a turn, did we ever see. 

I thought, of course, looking naturally that the turn would be something tangible, financial, but what He would do for us internally would be far greater.

We come to church that following Sunday, a week later, and hear a Word about being offended.  And this is one of the things Pastor Freeman stated: “Until you close the wound of your past you will bleed into your future.” Wow. It was if the breath had been taken out of me.  And similar to that of a movie, I froze in time, and my mind began to flash back to where it all started. My mom died suddenly in 2011, and that was the first time I experienced extreme anger towards God, having so many questions about why He took her at such a young age.  He kept saying to me, but I've given you more of Me, and I didn't want that. I wanted her.  And that’s the first time, that I was mad at God - - but here’s the interesting part.

When you begin that ought with God, it does something to your heart.  It puts your heart in a case, a guard that causes you to view everyone that you love differently.  It’s not that you don’t love them, but you become a skeptic.  And I could honestly reflect and say that I didn't see the good in people anymore, but started to see the bad in people.  I started to doubt my authority figures, my husband, my father, my friends - - it was hard for me to see the good first, for fear that God would allow someone to be something they are not; for fear that I would be hurt; for fear that God would disappoint me again.

But let me tell you something - - God never desires to disappoint you.  He only wants you to put Him first in your life.  He never desires for your heart to hurt - - but wants you to give your heart to Him and not to people.  And anything and everything that He removes from your life is for your good and He has the power to restore it 100 fold.  He wants to give you your peace back! And a hard heart can’t receive peace.

All of this was leaping in my Spirit as I heard the Word this Sunday and I knew I had to go to the altar and repent.  So I went. My husband went too.  And we cried before Him, and we received.  I no longer feel the weight of a weighed down heart.  I no longer feel skeptical of those around me who love me.  I've received my healing. And so can you. Think back to the first time you were offended by God - - and then think about what series of events happened after that.  What relationships became difficult for you because of this offense? Reflect. Renew. And then choose to live again.  Your best days are ahead of you!