Dear FLOTUS...My Not So Black History Moment

Dear FLOTUS,

I’ve watched you for the past eight years. You’ve moved and led with such the perfect combination of grace and strength. The way you support your husband and stand in the face of giants is admirable. There is not a bad thing anyone could say about you.

I’ve watched you mother your girls. You’ve kept them covered. Protected. And they’re absolutely beautiful.

It’s Black History Month, as you know, FLOTUS, and I must say: You changed history in my household -- something that I will never forget, and neither will my daughter. But it wasn’t a “traditional” Black History Moment.

A couple of months ago, my daughter Kayna’s school (Osage Elementary) sent home a letter. The letter stated that they would be doing something called “The Hall of Presidents” and that in this presentation, if our daughter wanted an “extra” opportunity, she could participate in the First Ladies presentation where each 2^nd grade girl who volunteered could portray a First Lady.

After Kayna said she wanted to participate, I sent an e-mail to her teacher saying she wanted to take part. When she came home that day, she proclaimed excitedly: “Mommy, mommy! I get to be Michelle Obama! I get to be Michelle Obama!”

Tears welled up. I wasn’t sure if I should show her my joy or not. I didn’t want to taint her experience and excitement which was different than mine. My tears came because I remember playing Betsy Ross in the 4^th grade at our President’s Day presentation. It was either that or only having the opportunities to play Harriet Tubman or any other remarkable slave. But this? This is a game changer. And what was most beautiful about it? She wasn’t excited because First Lady Michelle Obama is black. She was excited because she is our current First Lady of the United States of America. My daughter is eight, and has been alive for as long as you've been in the White House - so you're all she's known. It's normal for her to see you in this place. 

And FLOTUS, whether the nation has been 100% in agreement with you, your husband or the politics that tend to outweigh some of life’s greatest truths, this was life changing. And my reality is that I am conflicted about Black History Month because we are more than slaves. We are more than what happened thousands of years ago or even 60 years ago. There are black leaders and black activists, business owners, dancers, actors, poets, and yes, now a First Lady of the United States that have made history.

FLOTUS, she was proud. She could identify with you. When she created her small, short speech, she studied you. And I was glad she did. She even wanted to wear orange like you because it’s what you wore for the State of the Union. 

My family and I are extremely big on diversity and creating platforms where people of all ethnic backgrounds can understand one another and grow thereby. My husband and mine’s professions in ministry and non-profit work allows us to work with all kinds of people from all walks of life. But this? This made being a brown girl in 2016 something to brag about because it had nothing to do with just being brown. It had to do with being a person.  And with all of the shootings, accusations, and struggles in our country with race relations, this is my open letter to you. Thank you. Thank you.

My sincerest prayer is that these are the moments that become stamped in history. And that we can celebrate great accomplishments that happened through a person in humanity; in society. That we see people as people. When I ask my daughter to describe her friends to me, she doesn’t see color. This generation is growing up different. Having a Black President and First Lady makes it more accessible and more accepting for children to identify themselves in leadership positions across different sectors in the nation. And that makes them see color less. We can learn from a page in their book. I’m not saying this nation still doesn’t have issues. I’m not saying that it’s not deeper rooted due to people’s backgrounds and experiences. But what I am saying is that there’s hope. And moments like these prove just that. 

My Whole30 Journey!

Food was an event for me. Notice I said was. Every time I met with someone, or had a great victory or failure: food was involved. I didn’t really realize until I embarked on my Whole30 journey, how much this was the case, and how emotional and mental food consumption really is.  If you want more info about Whole30, you can visit their website here.. If you want more information on their starter book: “It Starts with Food” click here.

Here’s my 31 day journey with some excerpts from my journal.

Days 1-7.

Why did I agree to do this? My body hurts. And I’m mad at myself for even consuming so much garbage. The book is clear: The more junk you’ve eaten before means the “carb flu” will be that more intense. What is “carb flu”, you ask? It feels like you have the flu. Aching body. Fever. Shakes. But it’s just your body detoxing from carbs. Why did I do this right after my family and I completely splurged over Christmas? I’m so glad my husband is doing this with me because, truth be told: I would have given up by now. Thank God for that Whole30 Facebook support group too because this is craziness personified. And they feel my pain.

Days 7-14.

Okay my coffee doesn’t taste that bad without a 1/3 cup of cream in it. Yes I’m one of those people: Almost as much cream as coffee in the cup; and flavored cream at that. And now I’m becoming used to the black coffee with unsweetened, no carrageen almond milk. It really tastes great! It’s all good. And I don’t miss sweets as much as I thought. That’s a miracle in itself.

Days 14-21.

Hello Tiger Blood!!! Yeah, this is the burst of energy that is making me feel like superwoman on steroids! I. FEEL. GREAT! Wow. So great; like can’t explain great; like super productive great. And I’m so in love with new foods and restaurants that I never knew existed in Philly that are extremely Whole30 friendly. Who knew?

Days 21-24.

We are in Ocean City, MD for a conference where all of our food is paid for. And I know that I’m definitely a confirmed Whole30 junkie, because I now carry food around with me! Yes, food in my purse and food in my bag; so that I’m always prepared. I didn’t want to fail so I packed up the grilled cooked organic chicken and put it in zip lock bags in my purse.  LOL! But it’s for fear of what they’re serving at lunch time. It’s because I’ve come too far to stop now. And on top of it, I can’t tell you how great I feel.

Days 24-28

I know I’m not supposed to, but I weigh myself. Whole30 is big on not weighing yourself and not counting calories during the 30 days, but I seriously can’t take it. And, lo and behold, I’m 10.5 pounds down! I’m super motivated.

Days 28-30

Red sweet potatoes. I went to a large fresh produce market in the city and stumbled upon red sweet potatoes for the first time. I found out that they are of Japanese origins and much sweeter than a regular sweet potato which means that I have really found something to  assist with wanting something sweet and it’s natural and pure. And I found it on day 28! I think I could do this for life.

Day 31

I’ve lost 12.5 pounds. I feel great. I want to tell others about how clean eating can be for you. But what I’m really feeling the greatest about? I have control over my cravings. And what I’ve learned the most? Nothing should have that much control over you. Not even food.

If you’re like me, depending on your personality and emotions, food can become an event. I’m still a foodie at heart, but now I can control those feelings.  I believe that discipline is the secret to many of our silent struggles. It’s not as deep as we’ve made it. When we operate in discipline it shows our submission to the process. And if we can’t submit to a process in every area of our lives, then it will be hard for us to walk in long-term success. But when we are disciplined, we give God room to deposit more, because He knows that it won’t be an “event” for us. It will be life-long.

So whatever you choose to make an “event” in your life, I hope you’ll join me on the road to living a more disciplined life in every area. It’ll bring great rewards! Cheers! 

What If...

“I called upon the Lord in distress: the Lord answered me, and set me in a large place.” (Psalms 118:5)

There’s a “large place” that awaits you. You’ve cried. You’ve waited and you’ve pressed and now is the time. One translation says: “Pushed to the wall, I called to God…” You’ve been pushed to the wall. Mocked. Ridiculed. Talked about. Yet, you stood. Mistakes made. Apologies made, and now you’re standing at the crossroads of past woes and future hopes. You’re standing at the intersection of “small space” and “large space”. Your mind goes to all of the visions and dreams that you wrote down years before, and there’s and overwhelming voice inside screaming, declaring now is the time.

Oh, the crossroads.

While you’ve waited for this moment for more than a decade the feelings that you feel are mixed. You’re almost mourning what was, as a piece of you has died. Not in a bad way. As things, people, places, old mindsets must die in order for the new to begin; but you still find yourself sad. Cautious. Concerned. Worried. Even though you know you shouldn’t be. Even though you’re highly aware of the depth of God, the breadth to His ability to take care of you as you’ve been in worse seasons, but it's the thought of it being real. And "it" is whatever you deem “it” to be here in this context. It’s your why. In a world filled with resolutions, discounts at the gym, top of the year hopes, you've realized your "why" is more than those things for you. Because other “New Year’s” have come and gone, but this one; this one feels different.

Oh, the intersection.

You’re one step into the large place with one step in the small space. You glance back at the small space and can see each twist and turn you’ve taken in life. You can see every place you’ve lived, every job you’ve had, and every success along with every failure because it already happened. You close your eyes and turn your body to face the large place, open your eyes even slower that you turned around and there’s nothing on the road at all;  because you haven’t walked it out yet. And deep in the distance you see the vision.

And you take a step.

And another. And another. And the more you walk, the more is revealed. That is what your new “large space” is about. Walking it out.  And in 2016, walking it out should contain these three important things for you:

1.       Empowerment. The large space means that you are empowered to empower others. It means your wing span has broadened which means that it’s bigger than you. It’s for the people around you, your family, your co-workers, your church members. It’s large so it can’t be contained.

2.       Execution. The large space also means you have to do more. You have to finish strong. And you have to become more organized and task oriented because you’re going to be responsible for a lot more than you were in previous seasons. There’s an app for almost everything. Use those if needed to help you. Execute in your finances. Execute in your relationships. Execute on the job and business. Execute in your health. Tie up the loose ends and make it happen!

3.       Expansion. The large space promises expansion. So, I challenge you to let your nets out into the deepest part of the water of your life. Take a risk. Do something you’ve never done before. Because expansion is promised in the “large space”! Break free, and erupt into the plans God has for your life. 

Don’t beat yourself up if you could relate to the crossroads. I could too. I’ve often asked myself, God, my husband as we’ve literally watched our lives transform: is this really happening? And the answer is a resounding yes. He is the God that restores all things so beautifully and magnificently as only He can. Embrace it!

When Being Grateful Isn't Easy

Reading scriptures like 1 Thessalonians 5:18 that tell us to “give thanks in all circumstances” is at

face value easy. My family and I know this all too well as it was only two short years ago when we were sleeping on the floor in one room of a family member’s house, crying out to the Lord, struggling to say thank you. Struggling to lift our hands. Struggling to even want to go to church, to pray, or to say much of anything to anyone for fear of having to explain what we believed God was doing.

When trying times come, saying thank you to anyone let alone God can become hard to say.  And if we are honest, for some of us, life has had its toll on us! For others, things just aren’t quite where we would like to be and we are wondering when the breakthrough will take place. And others of us say thank you out of habit. But there’s no root or sincerity backing our thank you. It’s just a religious practice. We say thank you as a protocol, just because, or we know that in doing so we will be blessed or somehow set a part; however, in reality you’re no better off than the person who struggles to say thank you. 

The bottom line is that our country, the United States of America, struggles with gratitude.  Well, let me present it this way. One study found this: “Americans are very grateful and they think gratitude is important—they’re just not very good at expressing it.” The study went on to say that women are more grateful than men, that most people thought that gratitude in our nation was declining, that associating oneself with religion birthed more gratefulness, married people were more grateful than single people and that 18-24 year olds express gratitude the least of all. 

Here’s what’s happening.

We admittedly as people measure gratefulness by what we have. The single person reportedly being not as grateful as a married person or the thought  that 18-24 year olds are ungrateful comes from a tangible place when our “inner gratefulness meter” which measures how grateful we are or are not can’t be based upon anything we have including the people in our lives.

A dear friend and mentor, Dr. Thomas Muhomba, once mentioned this very thing. We had a long conversation, almost debate about the blessings of God.  The conversation was around what the definition of a blessing is.  I began to list examples i.e. someone blessing you with money or a car or healing, etc. And it was then that Dr. Muhomba told this story. He said: "one time, my wife and I were scheduled to go to back home to Africa and it was important that we get there. God knew that we needed to get there.  After weeks of waiting, one day, we came home to thousands of dollars sitting at our door in an envelope. And it was at that time that I thanked God for being God. Because when I’m in Him, certain things are already promised to me. And He promised to take care of me.”

God has promised to take care of you. So even in your worst seasons, God is still caring for you. How do I know? Because you and I are still here! It didn’t kill you, it built you. And if you’re in something now, where the burden is too great to bear, transfer the weight to the one who can carry it. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. 

My husband and I made a transfer. And towards the end of the seemingly three long months of sleeping on the floor, we cried out to the Lord. We cried out with a resounding voice in gratefulness. Lord thank you for keeping me! Thank you for keeping our children! Thank you for opening doors! Thank you that we’ve had food to eat! Thank you for family providing a place for us to lay our heads and help us transition! Thank you for my marriage! Thank you for laughter! Thank you for being God! Because we deserve nothing! But you deserve everything!

Now, you begin to open up your mouth and thank and praise God that you’re still here; for His keeping power! Thank Him for the little things! Thank Him for the one bedroom floor that you’re sleeping on! Thank Him for your family! Because even at your worst, God is still taking care of you. Whether you're on the mountain top or the valley low, your praise should remain constant because it's not conditioned upon anything tangible. It’s more than “thank you”. Gratefulness assumes the posture of being indebted and obligated to the one who is sure to fulfill His promises!

Why I Agree With Brelyn

Here’s why I agree with Brelyn. And it may not be as obvious as you think.

It’s been all over the news at this point.  Buzz Feed has covered it here, outlining some of the negative connotations that were associated with the bride, Brelyn Freeman (now Bowman) who received a certificate from her doctor stating that she was still a virgin, as her hymen had been examined.  She presented this certificate to her father, Dr. Mike Freeman, renowned Pastor of Spirit of Faith Christian Center  in Maryland, on her wedding day.  It was a covenant that she made before God and her father; one that she wanted to honor and did just that.

Many have wondered why her new husband Tim Bowman, Jr. , who is also a virgin, didn’t have to present anything, and they have been overly criticized to say the least.

Here are my thoughts. And why I know this world needs hope more than ever.

First, let me say that while my husband and I were not virgins when we met, we made a decision to remain celibate until marriage; a decision made based upon our relationship with God and our understanding of the scriptures as it pertains to fornication. My husband asked for my hand in marriage from my parents

My husband and I's first dance at our wedding: May 2007

out of respect for them and the high level of accountability that my family had and still does have that is rooted in love. It was by far one of the best decisions that I have ever made. God has allowed us to share our testimony to hundreds of teenagers and young adults over the years and it is an honor to have served God in that light.

And before you crucify me here – let me be clear. We have friends from all different walks of life. Some who love Jesus but chose to be intimate prior to marriage, some who lived together prior to marriage, some who had children prior to marriage, and there is nothing but love. Again, my husband and I made our decision based upon our love for one another and our love for God – which does not demean or lessen another’s love for one another even if they did things a different way. Our choice.

This leads me to their choice. 

While it may look like to some that my reasons for agreeing with her are my own personal choices and paths in life that seem similar in the foundation of our beliefs, that’s not solely the reason I agree with her. 

  1.       I agree with her because in a day and age     where role models are few and far and in  between – why not look up to someone who waited for marriage to encourage others that it’s possible?

  2.       I agree with her because in a day and time where people are making all kinds of choices and being celebrated, why can’t it be her choice to make?

3.       I agree with her because look at them: they are absolutely adorable! You can check out both of their twitter feeds (@brefree & @timbowmanjr) and you'll see love, fashion, travel, music, family, and God. What’s wrong with that? They present themselves relatable, not overly "churchy", and highly inspirational.

Brelyn & Tim Bowman

4.       I agree with her because I have a 7 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. And for any of us with children, whether we’ve made mistakes or seemed to have lived in what you deem perfection, deep down, you want this for your child.  I don’t care what walk of life you’ve come from. You don’t want them with sexually transmitted diseases, or having children out of wedlock, or touched inappropriately, or anything that could lead to overall heartache and heartbreak to come down their path.

So to everyone who said, what about the person who was raped? Or the person who was molested? Or the person who had unforeseen circumstances – that’s something that’s completely out of our control. And that was not the message here.  The message here was hope, purity, love, grace, and the power of God in a dying world. Try Him. You might like Him!

Congrats to Brelyn and Tim Bowman. Continue to #makejesusfamous  

Church, Wake Up!

Church, Wake Up. The people who once loved you are disdained by you. Frustrated. Perturbed. Angst within by what you stand for.

The people who you want to reach call you hypocrite. Not relatable. Judgmental. Confused.

I understand you pride yourself on diversity through denominations but you’re doing more dividing than bringing together. From every edge of the spectrum you’re representing with the loudest of voices. But what is it that people really see and hear?

There’s the “Kim Davis Christian” who refuses to sign a marriage license in the name of Jesus. There’s the “Social Injustice Christian” who wants to stand for righteousness, hash-tagging black lives matter, screaming justice for all. There’s the “Come and Sit in the Pew Christian” who hasn’t really found their place in the social club (I mean church) that they come to each week. They give, they serve, they love, but no one really bothers to even know their name. They just blend in.  There’s the “Play It Safe Christian”; doesn’t speak up about much of anything; the not quite sure where you stand, Christian. I could go on.

Church, Wake Up.

I still believe in your relevance. I still believe that you are the called out; the chosen; the bride of Christ. But you’ve lost your identity. No one knows who you are or what you stand for anymore. You’ve dissolved your existence in tradition, legalism, and a mere social outing, where we once were known for changing lives; for love, peace, tolerance, faith, hope: miracles.

I’ve written and re-written this post several times, and it all comes back the same.  Before we comment, like and share this one, I pray that we are more introspective; that we dig deep on this one, because you and I are the church. I pray that something stirs in you to stand up for truth, to love people deeper than you ever have and to find a united front in knowing that Jesus is real and is still relevant to a dying world; a world that needs hope; a world that needs you.

Church, please wake up. I say this with utmost sincerity and no criticism for what others may believe. But you that do: you believe because of what you know to be true. You have an “I once was lost but now I’m found story.” You believe this! You can still be relevant without being hypocritical. You can still love without judging. You can still be a leader without compromising and be effective. But the world is laughing at us. And they’ve lost respect.

Church, Wake UP!

The time will always be now. Change starts with us. Return back to the basics of what we once knew. Stop hiding from what your struggles are and face them head on. The world waits. “For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.” (Romans 8:19) Revival is coming. Let's be present when it gets here. 

Dreamer, Wake Up!

This post is for the dreamer. You’ve dreamed so much that your friends now think you crazy. Irrational. Illogical. Again? You’re moving again? You’ve got a new job again? You’re transitioning again? Really?

Yes really.

This post is for the person who has seemed to fail. Go backwards. Not make good decisions. Take too many risks. Outlandish in their approach to life. It seems as if you’re never satisfied when really you yearn  and crave to be the best you ever produced.

Yes, this is for you.

I want you to know you’re not alone. I often look at my life and wonder why I’ve had to travel through the many places I’ve traveled. Why did my relationships have to go through so much trauma? Why did that opportunity lead to such distress?  Was I really supposed to do that? Was that really supposed to happen? Well if so then why did that end up like that?

Yes, it all had to happen.

After years of journeying, I’m starting to see things come full circle. I’m starting to dream again – and wherever you are on your journey, I want you to start dreaming again too.

Yes, it had to happen that way. Yes, it seemed unbearable. Yes, you almost died in it. Yes, you almost lost your mind.  Yes, even now at times, you question everything. But don’t stop dreaming.

It’s easy to name people who had to struggle that are now successful who are famous or well-known. But let’s be real. There are people every day taking risks for their family, daring to be different, to think on the edge of the box, to go the extra mile, to lose the weight, to start the business, to do something they’ve never done. Yes, regular people like you and me. If you’re reading this you can find yourself in one of three places when traveling this life:

1.       Depressed because things didn’t turn out the way you wanted.

2.       Detached because of all the hell you’ve been through.

3.       Determined that enough is enough!

I’m pulling for you.

It’s so easy to calculate the mistakes. It’s easier to sit and wallow and wonder than it is to actually do something about it.  It’s easier to remove yourself from what you’ve always really wanted to do for fear that it won’t actually ever happen. But somewhere deep down there is a light. That light burns for something different. It burns to dream. It’s silently screaming that now is the time. It’s tired of waiting. It’s ready to seize the moment. It doesn’t care if it fails again, because it would rather fail trying that to sit doing nothing. That kind of will is what we’ve all been waiting for. We’ve been waiting for you.

Come out!

It’s time. Dreamer, wake up. You’ve got more fight in you; more greatness in you; and everything you’ve been through is now your fuel for understanding towards the bigger picture. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just a part of your journey. Your story. Your book. Your process. And you’re better for it. 

Why Maya Made Me Write

It’s been such a long time since I’ve blogged.  Too long.  Sometimes, I can get too critical of the process; wanting to somehow know what the other side of “this particular through” looks like.  Yearning to not be wrong in my perception of what God is doing.  I’m learning to relax. Learning that not having the answers is okay.  Learning that me writing is more me verbalizing my head on paper.  Getting it out. Encouraging others who may feel the same.  But today, Maya made me write again.

I found my eyes welling with tears when I heard of her passing.  I couldn’t believe I wanted to cry over her loss.  As I’m talking to myself, telling myself to get it together, I realized why.  With people like the Nelson Mandelas and the Maya Angelous leaving us, I think of my own grandmother who I’m blessed to still have in my life at 92 years young.  What an awesome testimony of grace, perseverance and quiet strength.  I look at her and often wish I had the grace she does.  I’m much more outspoken and raw. I’m put together, yet bursting at the seams if that makes sense.  She’s an educator, a matriarch, a picture of legacy, who will overflow in hysterical laughter with you while reminding you that the question you just posed ended with an unnecessary preposition.    And I’m now really crying. 

Because I don’t know y’all.  I just don’t know.  Does our generation get it? And while I’m far from  hating on the things that the Beyonces and the Angelina Jolie’s who in their own right regardless of their flaws are making a difference – they’re not making a Maya Angelou difference.  They’re not making a Nelson Mandela difference.  We are not making stands, waves, ripples, tides turn, for a cause greater than ourselves. 

I was just asking someone, what famous female role models do our girls have? And I’m not talking about Oprah and Michelle Obama.  I’m talking about between the ages of 20 and 40.  Where are they? I find myself feeling a burden for the girls and guys we teach weekly in our youth ministry.  A burden to provide hope; a bridge between cool and morality; hip and holy; unique yet inspirational.  But it’s hard, y’all.  And it’s hard because the Mayas are dying. 

So, this is my promise – ode to the generation of today – I promise to be the very best I can be. I promise to make stands when necessary; to think on the edge of the box; to live for a cause greater than myself.  And while I may never be famous; I promise to be famous in my community for integrity. I promise to not allow the fact that I will never be perfect to deter me from getting back on the bandwagon of hope for the change that I can affect right in front of my face! 

And while there will only be one Maya, one grandma full of grace, and one Nelson – there will also only be one you.  “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” – Maya Angelou

Will you join me?

Exactly Why I'm Grateful

I'm grateful for misunderstandings, for offense, for sleepless nights, for lack of peace.  I'm thankful for transition, for lack, for family drama, for worry.  I'm grateful for every job that said no; for fear, for not knowing who I am.  I'm thankful for tears that stream quietly and violently - wondering what is going on and how long things will last.  I'm grateful for loss, for confusion, for lack of sight.  I'm thankful for near death experiences; for negative thinking and for not knowing where or what or why or how or when.

Why, you ask?

Because if I had never experienced offense, then I'd never know the depths and the true meaning of unconditional love.  If I'd never been misunderstood I wouldn't have known what confidence in Him felt like. If I had never known sleepless nights, I wouldn't appreciate what rest feels like.  If it wasn't for a lack of peace I wouldn't know the peace that surpasses all understanding.  If I didn't know lack then I wouldn't know God to be my Jehovah Jireh - the God who sees all.  If I never transitioned, then I'd never know what it feels like to walk on water and see the manifestation of God's Word prevail in my life.  If there was no family issues, then I wouldn't value what I have in family as much as I do today - and know and understand how He's a restorer of relationships.  If employers never said no, then when the "yes" came, I wouldn't know what that praise in my kitchen felt like when it finally came through.  If I didn't ever experience not knowing who I am, I would have never stirred up the gifts that were inside of me or been confident in God's voice to know that He has named me!  If I had never had God read my tears, I wouldn't know the laughter that's good for the soul and that the joy of the Lord is my strength.  If I never had loss in my life then I'd never know or understand what God was trying to add to me and my family.  And if I never saw near death experiences, and negative thinking - I wouldn't know Him to be a keeper and a healer!

And THIS is exactly why I'm grateful.  Because He restores.  He revives.  He resurrects.  He IS God.  And He IS Good.  And I'm more grateful today than I was just yesterday! He's put together all of these broken pieces - so intricately woven together according to the hairs numbered on my head, and the way He made me - fearlessly, and wonderfully - and it's the way He's made you.  Unique, chosen, set apart, peculiar, lively, abundant, bountiful, overflowing with His goodness, His riches, His kindness, His love.  And I promise you, if you've experienced any of the above, you know.  You know exactly why I'm grateful.  And you are too.

This is God's promise to you in Joel 2:
"The Lord says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.  It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.  Once again you will have all the food you want, and you will praise the Lord your God who does these miracles for you.  Never again will my people be disgraced." (Joel 2: 24-25, NLT)

So no matter where you are in this process called life - be obedient; never lose sight of the fact that all things are working for your good; and remember to be grateful in all things. Train yourself to always have a praise on your lips, to always think positive.  Your outlook can change your outcome! Happy Thanksgiving!


    

Dear God, I'm Mad At You

Have you ever been mad at God? I have, but truthfully didn't want to admit it.  I’m thinking to myself, this the God who loves me, who saved me, who delivered me, who healed me - - I could never be mad at HIM, right? So for a while, I just masked it; fought through it, never quite being real enough to really ever get through it.  And then I heard a Word that would change my life forever.

Have you ever had a breaking point? It’s like a series of events that culminates in an explosion of emotions that make you wonder and think to yourself, “How did I even get here?”  Well, that’s what started it for me and my husband.  Last Saturday, my husband and I had the argument of all arguments, and it was over something stupid.  It escalated and escalated, and the next thing I knew, I had jumped out of the car, and was walking down Market Street, not really sure where I was going or what I was doing, but I just knew that the pressure of life right now was too much.  And I knew that we didn't argue like this.  And I was mad at God about it.  Yes, God. 

As I’m walking, I’m crying out to Him - - why, why, why! Please help me understand!  My husband graciously circled the car, picked me up, tears streaming down my face, and there was silence until we got to the house.  As we pulled up, I apologized to him, saying I just don’t know why I feel this way, or why the pressure of life has me this way, or why we’re here, and I just know what God said – but that’s all I have is a Word.  I don’t have anything else right now, and my faith, my hope, my love, my peace, it’s all dwindling. 

My husband, Sam understood.  Truthfully he felt the same way. We prayed, embraced, still unsure of what’s to lie ahead, but had a calm assurance that this was a turning point.  And for those of you reading, don’t forsake your breaking point.  It has to happen for you to see your situation clearly.  It happens so you can truly rely on God.  Faith makes no sense.  It’s your breaking point that frees you of the misconception that you should “feel” a certain kind of way even when you don’t feel that way.  It’s your breaking point that causes you to see God clearly because you've finally decided to be honest about how you’re feeling. It’s your breaking point that can cause a turn in your life; causing you to really walk into your destiny. 

I woke up the next morning and I told Sam that God was doing something great.  And that in seven days, we would see a turn.  And a turn, did we ever see. 

I thought, of course, looking naturally that the turn would be something tangible, financial, but what He would do for us internally would be far greater.

We come to church that following Sunday, a week later, and hear a Word about being offended.  And this is one of the things Pastor Freeman stated: “Until you close the wound of your past you will bleed into your future.” Wow. It was if the breath had been taken out of me.  And similar to that of a movie, I froze in time, and my mind began to flash back to where it all started. My mom died suddenly in 2011, and that was the first time I experienced extreme anger towards God, having so many questions about why He took her at such a young age.  He kept saying to me, but I've given you more of Me, and I didn't want that. I wanted her.  And that’s the first time, that I was mad at God - - but here’s the interesting part.

When you begin that ought with God, it does something to your heart.  It puts your heart in a case, a guard that causes you to view everyone that you love differently.  It’s not that you don’t love them, but you become a skeptic.  And I could honestly reflect and say that I didn't see the good in people anymore, but started to see the bad in people.  I started to doubt my authority figures, my husband, my father, my friends - - it was hard for me to see the good first, for fear that God would allow someone to be something they are not; for fear that I would be hurt; for fear that God would disappoint me again.

But let me tell you something - - God never desires to disappoint you.  He only wants you to put Him first in your life.  He never desires for your heart to hurt - - but wants you to give your heart to Him and not to people.  And anything and everything that He removes from your life is for your good and He has the power to restore it 100 fold.  He wants to give you your peace back! And a hard heart can’t receive peace.

All of this was leaping in my Spirit as I heard the Word this Sunday and I knew I had to go to the altar and repent.  So I went. My husband went too.  And we cried before Him, and we received.  I no longer feel the weight of a weighed down heart.  I no longer feel skeptical of those around me who love me.  I've received my healing. And so can you. Think back to the first time you were offended by God - - and then think about what series of events happened after that.  What relationships became difficult for you because of this offense? Reflect. Renew. And then choose to live again.  Your best days are ahead of you!

A Mess With A Dress

Transition can be your greatest triumph; your greatest testimony, and yet your greatest fear; greatest test.  I was reflecting on how awesome a responsibility it must have been for the apostles and disciples.  I was telling my husband that I wished they documented and wrote about their day-to-day livelihood.  How hard was it to travel by foot at a word’s notice to go and minister to a church miles and miles away in a different city?  How difficult was it when the work wasn’t always rewarding; when the people didn’t always “seem” to listen or understand? 

Masterful woven treasures of the heart are combined with the unmovable love of God and the need, the want, the longing to be stable; comfortable – in one place all the time.  The fear of humiliation – what will this look like?  Who will not like me, not agree with me for what I’m doing in the name of the Lord? What friends will I lose along the way – or who will misunderstand me for the season that I’m in?

All questions that come along with transition.  All questions that enter my mind every day.  So happy to be in love with the process of life; yet torn because I want the best for me; the best for my family despite what I know and trust and believe God to be to me.

Religion has taught us that there are rules and regulations to following the Bible – that we are bound to them; that our works save us; that if you follow this set of things “not” to do, then you’ll be alright.  It teaches us that we can be what I’d like to call “a mess with a dress”.  And what I mean by this, is if we wear the right thing, say the right thing, do the right thing, then that makes us “right” with God.  And I am by no means stating that there aren’t repercussions for our actions and that you definitely reap what you sow, but seriously. I had to be honest with myself.  The reason why transition is so hard for me, for any believer – is because of religion.  It’s because somewhere along the way, someone told us that Jesus looked a certain way, sounded a certain way – and that when certain people make radical moves for the kingdom of God – that it just can’t be God because we didn’t come through a certain “portal”, for lack of a better word. 

Well, this “mess with a dress” (i.e. ME) had to realize first that the more rules I followed the more of a mess I became.  Why?  Because the more rules you follow that don’t line up with the Word of God, the further and further you get from knowing and understanding who God is, who He wants you to be, and what’s really going on in your heart.  It’s like the rules act as some unnatural guard to that which you don’t even know or fully understand in the first place. 

Yes, it’s hard, even grueling…evaluation is not always easy.  But I had to go back to what I felt like normal Christians did and how they operated – and then compare that to a God who is radical, above our natural minds, bends every notion of normal, and loves unlovable people. 

And then I had to put myself in the unlovable category.  Because that’s another thing that the “mess with a dress” will do.  It will have you thinking that just because you’ve been saved for some amount of time, and just because you have gifts, and just because He uses you, and just because He’s given you the strength to move mountains, and to perform miracles signs and wonders through you – that you’re doing something.  When we do nothing ever.  Ever. Ever. Ever.  I’ll repeat it until it’s truly what’s in my heart. 

And this leaves the “mess with a dress” no choice, but to embrace the love of God.  Love has no rules – it’s open and embracing and free. It’s freedom multiplied. And nothing can separate us from that.  Not even the “mess with a dress”. Not all of the sin in the world – because He already came and died for it.  Can’t work for it. Can’t buy it.  Can’t reach up and grab it. Can’t even fully understand it.   But you can receive it.  Once this happened for me, it was like the weight of “works” was completely lifted.  It was like the biggest hug I’ve ever encountered on my worst day that never ended.  It was like the feeling you get when you close your eyes and feel the sun rays beaming warmth into your skin.  And then I exhaled for the first time in a long time spiritually.  And in embracing His love, in embracing Him – I embraced the ME that’s really me.  Minus labels; minus pre-conceptions; minus all the wrong I’ve done; minus judgment….just me. Minus clothing; minus long hair; minus a title; minus a certain group of people….just me.  And what freedom, what joy, what love radiates from the girl who used to be "a mess with a dress" and now is just a mess covered by His grace and His love.  Big difference. We decide.